Wednesday, February 20, 2019

36 Tweets That Reveal The Hilarious Truth About Married Life

Marriage is sometimes billed as this long, romantic adventure with the love of your life. What they don’t tell you is that the majority of married life is actually pretty mundane. 
Sure, there may be some incredible trips and nights spent drinking wine under the stars. But in between you’ll be strategically hiding snack food from each other, discussing how gassy you are before attempting sex and clinging to your sanity as you listen to the sound of your partner snoring yet again. 
Here are 36 funny and relatable tweets that tell you everything you need to know about married life. 


HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?

ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.


wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it's not working



Me: Alexa start the coffee maker.

Wife: For the last time, we don’t have an Alexa AND YOU CAN MAKE YOUR OWN DAMN COFFEE!!

Me: Alexa off.


Oh to have the confidence of my husband who started a 2hr movie at 10:20pm.


Wife: How was your day today?

Me: There was a cat giving people high fives on the street but when I tried it started licking its butt.

Wife: Sometimes ‘fine’ is a good answer too.


My husband proposed two days after Valentine's day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday


[wife gets in bed]

her: can you grab my chapstick?

me: [grabbing the two on her dresser] which one

her: ooo not those grab the one in my purse

me: [rummaging] none in here

her: k grab either the bathroom one or the kitchen one

me: what...what the fuck is happening right now


Before marriage, I would sit at stop lights for hours because I had no one to tell me the light had changed to green.


My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.


Sometimes love looks like your husband destroying your clean kitchen but you keep your mouth shut because the guy can cook.


For some reason, when I have a cold, my doctor tells my wife to take the aspirin.


Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband's truck.


We are three days into a discussion about if getting a toaster oven would be worth sacrificing the counter space. Marriage is wild y’all.


My husband took my leftovers to work with him. Does anyone know a good divorce lawyer?


My wife just used two paper plates to warm up leftovers in the microwave like we're some kind of millionaires.


You’re married now. Informing your partner that you’re “feeling gassy” while you’re having sex is just part of the routine.


My wife asked me to do a juice cleanse with her. It’s going good so far. After 6 hours of using the juice maker, we were able to extract almost a gallon of juice from four truckloads of fruits and vegetables.


Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.



Marriage is reminding one about a conversation you know you had while the other swears it never happened.


Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month

Me: ok I won’t.

[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]


Me: starting now.


Magically, my wife texted me more items for the grocery list once I was in the parking lot having completed the initial grocery list.


Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.

Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.


My husband asked if I’d like to go out to dinner & then got on a work call so now I’m sitting here eating Cheez-its paired with a nice Merlot.

I give it 4 out of 5 stars, for level of difficulty & no dishes were involved.


My husband likes to leave the foil seal still attached to the Pringle’s so that I don’t know they’ve been opened until they’re almost gone.


Instead of yelling my husband's name when I need him I'm just gonna scream OH MY GOD YOU CAN ALMOST SEE HER NIPPLE!


My wife almost threw away a bottle of salsa that still had enough for 1 chip. Long story short, we're now in marriage counseling.


All I’m saying is I never realized how many things could be monogrammed until I got married.


me, wearing corduroy shorts: what's wrong honey


Texting my wife 300 times while doing the grocery shopping to clarify every item on the list and also to ask what size and how many and which aisle is why I don’t have to go grocery shopping any more.


You may be married but you aren’t married married until you are in a home furnishings store together and you brought your own tape measure.


I see your bloodhound and I’ll raise you my wife knowing everything I ate and drank in the last 8 hrs just by smelling my breath.


We’re currently showing our home & still living there.

My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”

I preheated the oven to make dinner.

We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.


Marriage is a great way to be sarcastically reminded of that asinine comment you said 12 years ago.


Me: Babe, can you bring me a fruit snack when you come back?

Husband: *brings me grapes*

Me: What is this? I specifically asked for corn syrup.

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